Most people think that the “firsts” are the hardest. I guess, in their own special way, they are.
Those seconds, though!!!!
They hit like a sledgehammer some days.
I’m not sure if it is the world, or maybe my own expectations, that have me feeling like this.
Everyone KNOWS the first birthday, holiday season, anniversary, etc., is hard.
Some people send a text or a hug.
That second year…should be easier, right?
Last year, I skipped what I could, and everyone understood.
This year?
I think my own expectations have been a little high.
I love fall colors and have been ordering new decorations. I had it in my head that Momma would want me to. She loved the holidays and always made them special.
I honestly have been excited about shopping on Amazon. I even sent my sister a couple of pictures.
“You’re decorating?”
“Yeah, I love the colors!!”
Well, this morning I was standing in the kitchen. I grabbed a potholder, and my eyes immediately teared up.
This potholder was delivered a couple of days after Momma went to the hospital.
I knew that she had ordered it for my September birthday because it was purple.
That kind of set the mood for the day!!
I cried when I fed the cat, when my package came in, and while I made my husband dinner.
Facebook didn’t help!!
My memory for the day was this picture from 15 years ago.
That picture was taken outside of my favorite little restaurant, Wilkerson’s. It was in Colonial Beach, and I always wanted to go there for my birthday.
“All-you-can-eat” crab legs.
I remember the first year I requested it. She said they were awfully expensive, but it was fine if I made it worth it.
I said, “Okay, Momma. How many plates is worth it?”
Momma said, “Two.”
She stopped counting at six. 😂
They also had amazing strawberry margaritas!!
Anyway…
I’m trying to figure out how to carry memories and love forward.
Some days I just cry at the sight of the last picture.
And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe the second year isn’t supposed to be easier.
Maybe it’s just different.
The world keeps moving forward, but sometimes a little potholder can stop you dead in your tracks and take you right back to a moment you didn’t even realize you were still carrying.
❤️
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Pest Control Specialist
Free room and board, as long as he stays in his spider-in-law suite.
OUTSIDE!!!!!
Breaking the lease shall immediately terminate said agreement and lead to execution by broom!!
Yeah, yeah. Cruel, BUT…
You wouldn’t want him in your living room either!!!! 
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You know the saying about “walk a mile in my shoes”?
That would be way less exhausting than living a day in my head!!!
So I’m not really sure when I realized that my brain works differently than others.
But for as long as I can remember, my mind has been loud. It’s like I have a whole-ass community running around yelling things at me constantly.
Try explaining THAT to someone who has no clue!!!
That leads you to getting locked up and put on meds!!!!
Now that I think of it…that pretty much explains my teenage years. 😃
Anyway, fast forward some years….
Dr. Google and I have looked up multiple personality disorder and schizophrenia!! None of it really fit though.
I just knew this couldn’t be normal and had to be SOME kind of disorder, right?
Squirrel note:
These rabbit holes led to hours watching every show on serial killers. (Yes, probably not the healthiest thing.)
I started calling it my squirrel brain a couple of years ago. Was easier than trying to explain.
TODAY THOUGH:
I found a word!!!!!!
Associative Thinking.
That sounds way better than Batshit Crazy!!!!
Although yes, I realize there is some crazy in there too. 😳
That was the entrance to the rabbit hole!
Now here Dr. Google and I are 75 searches and 5 hours later with a new dictionary full of words that explain my brain!!
11:30 PM
Squirrel: ADHD, associative thinking
Some other voices I need to name:Dialogical Processing
Conceptual Thinker
Heart: emotional processing
Perimenopause Gangsta: protective perspective.
Then there is ME:
The Ring Master!!
I learned tonight that I have an interesting thought processing system!!! Complete with science-based theories and explanations.
So maybe I don’t sleep well, have a hard time staying on task, and sound like I talk in circles, but I’m not broken!!!
I just understand the world from a different—very exhausting—lens.
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Tonight, I’m making chicken quesadillas for dinner. I went to the pantry to grab a jar of salsa.
One jar left.
I’m about to open the last jar of the last batch of salsa I made with my mom.
That hit probably a little harder than anyone NOT grieving would understand.
When I asked the husband to open it, I cried.
Then I obviously had to explain why I was crying over salsa.
He didn’t even want to open it.
I told him it wouldn’t last forever.
Now I’m sitting on my back porch with my last beer in the fridge, thinking about LASTS.
My last picture with Diane was a couple of months before she passed. We both happened to be home at the same time.
My last memory with Dad was a month before he passed. I had visited, and somehow I knew that hug would be the last.
I whispered in his ear, “Daddy, I still need you. Take care of yourself.”
To which he replied, “Rat, I ain’t goin nowhere.”
My Momma…
I have a picture of the last meal I made for her. It was literally the last meal she had before going into the hospital.
I’m glad it was her favorite.
The funny thing about lasts is, we just never know when it will be.
Most of the time, I’m thankful for the lasts.
Sometimes, I wonder what I would have done differently if I had known.
Would I have held the hug a little longer?
Would I have taken one more picture?
Would I have stayed a little longer?
Would I have paid more attention to the ordinary moments that I didn’t realize would become memories?
I don’t know.
And honestly, I don’t think any of us can know.
Because that’s the thing about a last.
It doesn’t announce itself.
It doesn’t tell you, “This is it.”
Sometimes it’s a hug.
Sometimes it’s a picture.
Sometimes it’s a meal.
Sometimes, apparently, it’s a jar of salsa sitting in the pantry.
And maybe that’s why I’m thankful for them.
Because even though I didn’t know they were lasts when they happened, I get to carry them with me now.
The last picture.
The last hug.
The last meal.
The last batch of salsa.
They aren’t just endings.
They’re pieces of the people I loved that I get to keep.
“To live in hearts is not to die.”
— Thomas Campbell
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When I woke up this morning, I didn’t really want to get out of bed. It was cool, dark, and quiet. I laid there for a few minutes, thinking about the day.
My husband sat me down at the kitchen table and pulled the chair out across from me. He poured a third cup of coffee and put ice in it. He said, “Let’s have coffee with Momma.”
I smiled through tears and grabbed her little urn. He held my hand, and with tears in our eyes, we talked about missing her.
Then we took her to her favorite little breakfast spot. We sat at the same table and I sat her “left foot” in the same place she last sat.
I had planned the perfect evening also!! Mom’s favorite spaghetti and cake.
I got the cake from Publix. It has strawberries and blueberries on top. She probably wouldn’t have been able to eat it when she was here because her diabetes would have been screaming.
I figured, Hell, why not?! She doesn’t have diabetes anymore, and she would have loved it!!Then, Life did what life does!
I had food ready to go in oven (to bake fresh grated parmesan). Cake was waiting on candles.
Me? I totally lost my shit!! I had a full blown meltdown!! I don’t know if it was menopause or the emotional overload of the week but I had a fit. I canceled it and sent my step-dad home. For a brief moment I thought glad she isn’t seeing this!
Hell, I even had to totally rewrite this post!! I had it sitting in drafts just waiting on the pics to add to it.
I wasn’t about to celebrate my momma in the foul mood that I was in. That would have been a stain on the meaning itself.
I did end up cutting the cake 2 days later. It wasn’t the perfect evening that I had planned, but I did it!
I did it because her heart may have stopped beating, but my love for her did not!!
I believe she deserves to be celebrated, not just mourned.
This is how I personally have decided to hold love and grief in the same heart.
Nothing can change the fact that I miss her. Maybe that is why I had the melt down.
So, Happy 76th Birthday, Momma!!!
With tears and smiles, I celebrated you!!!
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I have been doing pretty good at not crying until today
Momma’s birthday is tomorrow. This will be the second one without her. We came to town today to get a cake.
We stopped by to see my mother-in-law at the hospital. She fell and broke her hip on Sunday. They did surgery Monday morning. This is the first time I have seen her, because I knew that my grief was still just a little too raw.
Anyway, we walked into the hospital to check in.
Odd little coincidence…
The woman at the desk and I recognized each other.
I said, “Didn’t you…?”
She said, “Yes, and I remember you.”
She remembered my face because she was the same woman I saw for a month while Momma was in a different hospital.
I managed to hold it together until the surgeon came to talk about therapy and rehab.
As soon as I Googled the surgery, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. I cried until I was able to suck it up and wipe my face off. That was easier than trying to explain.
Momma didn’t have the same surgery, but it took me back to the countless hours I spent researching and squatting in the hall. Isn’t it funny how one small thing can unravel the healing?
I’m not sure why it worked out that the woman at the front desk was the same one.
Especially the day before Momma’s birthday.
Maybe it was just a reminder that it’s okay to not be okay.Today: I will cry
Tomorrow: I will celebrate with cake & Momma’s Left Foot.
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This adorable little demon’s name is actually Layla, AKA Satan!!!
She has absolutely EARNED that title!!! She was part of a litter of abandoned kittens. I saw a post on Facebook: five two-day-old kittens that Momma left.
Not sure why I thought THAT was a good idea!!!!
After a little persuasive conversation with the husband, I picked them up.
All but her passed. The vet said they were premature. He said that she would die, too.
Oh, not on my watch!!!!
I had fed this furball every two hours for two months!!!! I wiped her butt and all!!!
Nine years later, this little ungrateful ass attacks me whenever she can!!!! 3 a.m. trips to the bathroom are very different when you have a 5-lb. ninja attacking you from under the bed!!!!
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Commander of Border Control
That occasionally sleeps on the job.
AKA Stank. My Booberry. ♡
This handsome man stole my heart from the moment we met!!
I had to bribe him with French fries!!
I rescued him from a bad situation, and he has rewarded me with unconditional love.
He may not always be awake for his shift, but he takes his job very seriously. 😂
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I went to the self-checkout at the store because there was no one at the register. I accidentally double-wrang a product. I got the attention of an employee to come correct it.
Apparently, this didn’t go as speedy as the half-pint princess behind me would have liked. After the eye roll she gave, I’m sure the subtitles on my face changed dramatically!!!
Menopause thought: Today is not the day, Karen!!!!
Squirrel: Oohhhh, this could be interesting.
Logic: It’s really not worth the bail money!!!
I walked out and loaded my stuff in the truck. As I was taking my cart back, I saw her getting into her little Tesla (after leaving her cart in the parking lot?).
Momma’s Heart: I feel bad for her husband! -
He is the newest stalker on the property. He is a bit skeptical, but we have snacks!!
Babeo has tried on multiple occasions to explain that we won’t hurt him. You know, men don’t listen, though. 🙄
