The husband asked me Friday what I wanted to do for my birthday.

I said, “Cake. All I want is cake.”

I was honestly in a funk about my birthday without Momma.

She celebrated me for 45 years and always made me feel special.

My son was coming in, and the husband was cranky. I just wanted quiet.

Last year was hard. She had just passed.

This year was harder!!

This year, I’m trying to figure out what the new normal looks like.

I couldn’t shake the funk for days.

As it was, my sister-in-law was rushed to the hospital via ambulance.

That obviously trumped everything.

My husband went to the hospital with his sister. I stayed home to wait for Blake.

Blake showed up with a little bouquet of flowers made from palm leaves.

He took me to dinner. We had a couple of drinks, went to Target, and then to Publix for the cake I wanted.

We got home around 10:00 p.m.

I still had to feed the dogs and Momma’s cat.

We got to Momma’s and heard a water leak. I wasn’t sure where the shutoff was, other than the main at the power pole.

I ran around trying to clean up the mess. Blake laughed and said he missed our adventures.

We ended the evening watching horror movies, like the old days.

This morning, I spoke to my husband on the phone. We were discussing his sister.

I told him I wanted to come see her.

He explained that he would prefer I didn’t.

She is in the same hospital, on the same floor where my Momma passed.

He knew how hard it would be for me.

I told him that I appreciated his concern, but I was going.

I know regret.

I know wanting one more minute.

I know I would never forgive myself.

So I went.

With tears in my eyes, I walked the same corridor, took the same elevator, and went to the same floor.

When the door opened, I was looking straight down the hall where I spent weeks crying.

I choked, but I did not break.

I rubbed my son’s back as we walked to her room.

I told her that I loved her and wanted her to stay.

Then I told her that I understood if she couldn’t.

Eerily similar to the words I spoke in a room 20 feet away, a year ago.

Today, trauma took a back seat to love.

Today, I proved to my mind how strong my heart is.

Tonight, my husband sits in the hospital with his big sister. My heart hurts because I know the feeling.

Tonight, I had birthday cake with Momma.