When I woke up this morning, I didn’t really want to get out of bed. It was cool, dark, and quiet. I laid there for a few minutes, thinking about the day.

My husband sat me down at the kitchen table and pulled the chair out across from me. He poured a third cup of coffee and put ice in it. He said, “Let’s have coffee with Momma.”

I smiled through tears and grabbed her little urn. He held my hand, and with tears in our eyes, we talked about missing her.

Then we took her to her favorite little breakfast spot. We sat at the same table and I sat her “left foot” in the same place she last sat.
I had planned the perfect evening also!! Mom’s favorite spaghetti and cake.
I got the cake from Publix. It has strawberries and blueberries on top. She probably wouldn’t have been able to eat it when she was here because her diabetes would have been screaming.
I figured, Hell, why not?! She doesn’t have diabetes anymore, and she would have loved it!!

Then, Life did what life does!

I had food ready to go in oven (to bake fresh grated parmesan). Cake was waiting on candles.

Me? I totally lost my shit!! I had a full blown meltdown!!  I don’t know if it was menopause or the emotional overload of the week but I had a fit.  I canceled it and sent my step-dad home.  For a brief moment I thought glad she isn’t seeing this!

Hell, I even had to totally rewrite this post!! I had it sitting in drafts just waiting on the pics to add to it.

I wasn’t about to celebrate my momma in the foul mood that I was in. That would have been a stain on the meaning itself.

I did end up cutting the cake 2 days later.  It wasn’t the perfect evening that I had planned, but I did it!
I did it because her heart may have stopped beating, but my love for her did not!!
I believe she deserves to be celebrated, not just mourned.

This is how I personally have decided to hold love and grief in the same heart.

Nothing can change the fact that I miss her.  Maybe that is why I had the melt down.

So, Happy 76th Birthday, Momma!!!

With tears and smiles, I celebrated you!!!